I’m trying to figure out how to even start. This last week and a half have been quite hard. Poor CB has been sick with a fever that lasted for 4 days, plus a cough, runny nose, sneezing, and increased impulsivity. The impulsivity started before the fever and it has grown to such a degree that we opted to remove cow’s milk from CB’s diet again. The decision also took into account reviewing his latest blood work and past stool test to determine that his gut does not seem to be performing at optimal levels due to the high fecal fat content and the lower vitamin levels of zinc, D3, and iron saturation. Goat’s milk is still currently in his diet and he is eating goat’s milk kefir in the mornings to help combat the antibiotics he is taking. He still also gets his probiotic at night. Since he has been prone to yeast infections in the past when he takes antibiotics, I try to ensure to restore with good bacteria. Olem and I still feel that diet can make a big difference and are just trying to see if there is an optimal diet that suits CB best. There are always so many factors to consider that it is typically not one thing that we can pin such behavior changes on. Additionally, some of CB’s therapies and his preschool are coming to an end. He could be feeding off my and/or his teachers’ energies. He can be very sensitive to others feelings and we see his behaviors reflecting/modeling back others emotions. We talk with CB about some of his therapies and preschool ending but CB doesn’t say much or respond much to these comments. Who knows if this is affecting him more than he can show us.
I find it very difficult at times to also not model/reflect CB’s attitudes, as well. So much of our household’s overall feeling is tied directly into how CB is doing. It is crazy but if CB is super happy, it is almost a guarantee that Olem and I will be too. And like now, where CB greets me with comments like “I will punch you in the face.” or “Stupid” or ” No, you are a bad boy.”, I find it hard to disconnect my feelings and remain positive. I try to hide it from CB as much as I can, but he probably senses muy the underlying feelings.
Lately, so much worry, fear, and doubt have been filling my thoughts when I have those free moments in-between hauling kiddos from preschool to OT to ST to swim to hippotherapy to PT or getting them dressed, feeding them etc., etc. I keep analyzing CB’s reactions and comments and ask “Does this mean he is cognitively disabled?” Ever since I got the genetics results back, I have gone through phases where I am having a difficult time accepting that he may be cognitively disabled and accepting it either way. I keep comparing him to other children, which is so unfair. I find myself jealous of others when their kids show positive growth. Like the mom whose son attended PT after CB and the two had become “office friends”, being that we only saw him at therapy. Well, they both had their last day of PT this week. CB had his last day b/c we unfortunately had to stop the PT as the drive would just be too hard with CB attending camp close to our home and his preschool located near the PT is ending this week. Her son, who is 1 year younger than CB, graduated from PT. His skills have caught up to his peers so he no longer needs extra therapy. Or the other mom, I chatted with today whose son is also 1 year younger and autistic and is now attending a regular preschool without any additional assistance. I honestly feel joy for both of these moms. They have one less thing they have to worry about and their children have one less struggle. Their children still receive other therapy and still have known challenges. I guess, I just want CB to graduate from something or for him to find something that is not a challenge.
When I get like this, the best medicine is to not focus on myself or my son’s challenges and to instead focus on something else. Ideally, I would find something positive to focus on and devote my energy to that concept/charity or whatever.